Enforcing Your Boundaries

Last post I talked about how our socially constructed scripts for the expression of male entitlement to female attention works to throw you off your game, to the advantage of our Asshole customers.  The solution, I posited, was to set the ground rules for the customer/dancer interaction from the get go, establishing and enforcing your Boundaries by acting as a Professional.  Easy to say, I know, but how to do it in practice?

Right off the bat, I want to spell something out.  Even though you are a dancer, and you take your clothes off for money for Creepy Assholes, you are still a Human Being.  No one, ever, ever, EVER has the right to make you feel Not Safe.  So, even though there is an inherent risk of a customer doing something Bad, you never have to feel like you have to put up with it.  And, despite the fact that this is your job, you ALWAYS have the right to say "No."  No customer, for any amount of money, has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or worthless or unsafe.  Period.  

So, lets start off by defining what your boundaries are.  Let's spell out, explicitly, what your comfort zone is, and where the line is drawn.  Then, we will come up with responses for when the line is crossed, and strategies for reestablishing control.  The lines we need to draw, the defining line between Acceptable and Not Acceptable, apply across the board when dealing with customers.  So, we're not just talking "what level of touching is appropriate?" or "how much money would it take for me to do _____?", but also "how much information about my Real Life do I give out?"  

So, make a quick list of ways that customers can interact with you that make you feel creeped out or otherwise Not OK.  Chances are good there are lots of ways customers cross your lines, so lets use handsiness as an example, from which we can expand.  So, lets say for this example, you are "OK" with customers touching legs, arms, sides, and maybe butt during a lapdance, boobs and crotch completely off limits.  Saying it that way is fairly clear and easy to understand, but it could still use some strengthening.  For example, we have our Lapdance Standards For Touching stated, but what about Non-Lapdance Standards For Touching?  When you're sitting with them at a table or the bar, or when you're on stage and they are sitting at the rack?  If hugs or handholding is OK, how much and how hard?  It's helpful to have clear lines drawn across the board, so for this example lets say that outside of a lapdance, boobs, butt, and crotch are absolutely off-limits, and that all other contact needs to be gentle and not forceful.  Add to that our Lapdance Standards For Touching, and now we're looking at a comprehensive set of Standards For Touching.  Your particular standards can and will vary, and will change over time and in specific circumstances.  However, it's still important to define for yourself, clearly and ahead of time, what is and is not Acceptable, so that you can proactively enforce them and guide your interactions with customers.

Some dancers are completely and utterly unaware that there is a separation between their Dancer Life and their Real Life, and act accordingly, so that customers know their Real Name, their primary phone number (instead of the cheap pre-paid every dancer should have,) the names of their kids, where they live, and many other details customers simply Should Not Know.  Some dancers let customers pay extra (hopefully a lot extra) to do things against club rules, often against the law.  Some dancers let customers say creepy or threatening or insulting or degrading things to them and tolerate it out of fear of the customer not spending money on them.  And here's the thing:  I'm not saying any of that is 100% wrong to do.  Your personal standards, your customers, your club and your situation will vary, and so too does the determination on where to draw the line, where to establish your Boundaries.  Because they are not My Boundaries.  They are Your Boundaries.

Take some time over the next few nights you work, examine your interactions with customers, then clearly state to yourself your limits, your Boundaries.  Remember, these can and will change over time, so don't feel pressured to do this all at once or to make it PERMANENT AND UNCHANGING.  Build slowly, refining and redefining what you are comfortable with being and doing and having others be and do to you.  

Now that we have a rough idea of what our Boundaries are, and with the knowledge that they can and will change, lets come up with some ways to let our customers know that Your Boundaries exist, and that they should respect them.  Here are some quick pointers to get the ball rolling.

First of all, and this may seem trivial, but first of all, don't make your first stop the bar when you hit the floor.  What I'm not saying is "Don't drink when you get to work."  You probably shouldn't have a drink first thing, but I'm not going to judge, especially when that first drink really does help take the edge off and get you in Dancer Mode more quickly. What I am saying  is "When you are finally dressed and ready, and are stepping onto the floor for the first time, don't head straight to the bar."  The idea being that if a customer, especially a Regular, notices that the first thing you do is get some alcohol, it sets the tone for the night, for the customers and for you.  It marks you out as one of two things: A) as a Chick Who Is Hanging Out, or B) a dancer who hates herself and has to self-medicate, and thus probably has low self-worth.  I'm not saying that this is the actual case, merely what the customers perceive.  So, instead, after you've checked in with the DJ or manager or whoever to let them know you're ready to go on rotation, go say hi to the bartender, then say hi to the bouncers, then hi to the door girl, stopping along the way to say hi to any regulars you know or big parties not at the stage.  Make a full circuit of the club.  Then go back to the dressing room.  Adjust makeup and hair.  THEN, go back out to the floor and get a drink at the bar, assuming a customer doesn't want you to sit with them already.  And if you've made the circuit once already, hopefully someone you said hi to will have already wanted you sitting with them, so you may not even have to go to the bar at all in order to get your first drink.  Doing all this makes it seem like the first thing you're doing at WORK is greeting your COWORKERS, and then greeting your CUSTOMERS.  You're not some hot chick there to get wasted and party, you're a Dancer there to work.

Secondly, no phones on the floor.  Same general reason as above, it makes you look unprofessional.

Thirdly, pay attention to how you sit when with customers.  Sit like a lady, not like a whore.  Face them directly, with your whole body, knees included.  This creates some distance while also showing, with body language, that they are the focus of your interest.  Furthermore, it allows you to better control physical contact.  If you are sitting side by side, all up close, the customer can hug and squeeze and rub with minimal effort, and they often do.  And that's hard to squirm out of.  Instead, if you sit facing them, they have to reach out, and invade your personal space, instead of easily already being within it.  If they DO reach across to violate your space, and you do not like it, it's easy to redirect a hand to your knee, to your other hand, or failing all that, getting up.  

Lastly, if a customer starts to do something you are uncomfortable with, the ultimate Enforcement technique is to disengage.  You don't have to necessarily be rude or make a loud commotion, but a simple "Sorry sweetie, but I'm here to work.  You're gonna have to pay to get that familiar with me."  Be polite, but be firm.  If their response is anything other than an apology, take it as a warning that they will not be respecting anything else you say or do.    At times, the creepy Asshole Customer is, in many ways, like a small child.  They see something they want, they reach out and grab it.  The only way they'll learn is to flat out refuse them.  Then warn the other girls at the club.  Hell, tell the bouncer or manager.  Eventually, the Asshole will either shape up, or he'll leave.  

Adopt the mindset that you, the Dancer, are in control of what happens at the Club, not the customer.  You aren't at the Club to fulfill the customers wants and desires, you're there to get his money.  The customer does not dictate what you are or are not willing to do.  You've done that ahead of time, and it was never up for negotiation.

Not Respecting Boundaries & Professionalism

Have you ever been somewhere public, like a train or bus or library or grocery store, and someone just randomly comes up to you and starts talking?  Like, not even crazy people telling you  about how President Roosevelt was their grand-uncle, just random people asking you about the book you're reading, where you got your shoes, is that brand of cereal in your cart tasty, or other random shit about you/what you're doing?

That is some weird shit when it happens.  I don't know about all of you, but when I'm out in public, alone, I mind my own goddamn business.  If I'm in line for something, or walking somewhere, or sitting reading, or doing anything out in the real world, chances are good that aforementioned thing is the only thing I'm thinking about, and am not trying to invite others to join in or make comments about it.  And based on said assumption, I do not try to join in or make comments about things other people are doing... well, I don't make comments out loud, to them... just to myself, in my head... because I'm a snarky, judgemental person who thinks mean things about other people.  BUT, at least I'm polite enough to keep that all internal.

Now, there's an extra level of weirdness, and some attending social constructs, that apply in a lot of these situations that a lot of male readers may be unaware of.  When a man approaches a woman in public, unsolicited, when woman is minding her own business, and starts talking to her, shit gets awkward.   There are plenty of guys out there who have entitlement issues, and this kind of behavior is one of the more public, and potentially scary varieties.  Here's a really good post about it from CaptainAwkward, which is actually what got me writing about this topic.

This whole issue of Entitlement and Male Privilege is serious business in Real Life, one of those BigTime sociology issues that we all need to work on expanding awareness and understanding of so that society as a whole can make positive progress, and life for everyone can be better.  What makes this relevant to this blog, and my reason for writing about it, is that the very nature of The Club makes it very very treacherous to deal with this issue at work.  BUT, deal with it is something that you must, if you want to maintain control over how things go at work, if you want to have a say in your relationships with customers, and you want to dictate how you make money.

To boil it down, in Real Life, when someone invades your space and starts trying to trap you into a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't conversation, ignores your boundaries, and makes you feel uncomfortable, you can fight the socially programmed response and ignore them, tell them to fuck off, leave, or similar options of disengagement.  At The Club, however, it's hard to do that because, you know, talking to an asshole who does things like that is your job.  So, on the downside, it's hard to disengage assholes who don't respect your boundaries while working.  On the plus side, you can use the Club's nature, and your respective place within it, to counteract the self-entitled behavior on the front end, before it even becomes a problem.

When we're talking about customers at The Club, we have to think about societal and behavioral norms, specifically those that still apply when inside The Club, and those that do not... and those that do but customers think do not.  The Club, when run correctly, is a place of fantasy, a refuge where men (and women who are so inclined) can be entertained by and socialize with beautiful sexy ladies, free from  the moralistic judgements of our society, where the customer can enjoy said sexy ladies and not feel like a creep or asshole for doing so.  Furthermore, when run correctly, The Club is a safe place for dancers to work, where fear of physical and sexual assault is minimized (that fear, unfortunately, will never go away entirely, no matter how many cameras and bouncers there are.  Nor should it, to be honest.)  Our customers walk in the door and immediately feel entitled to be paid attention to, which, actually, is a reasonable expectation when walking into a business as a customer.  How much attention, and what form that takes, is another matter entirely.  When a customer wants attention, gets it, then pays for it (from the bartender, for drinks.  Or from a dancer, for boobies in his face,) things are operating as they should.  When there is a clear mechanism at work for monetary exchange based on goods and services, things run smoothly.  

Unfortunately, that is not how real life works.  People in our society currently have a shit-ton of entitlement issues, and they carry over to The Club.  An asshole, who has unrealistic expectations of his own self-worth, who undervalues a dancer's inherent worth, and who feels an unwarranted sense of entitlement to attention quickly gums up a smoothly running club.  You, as a human being, have boundaries in place, regarding what is and is not appropriate conversation, appropriate physical contact, appropriate payment, and appropriate behavior, that applies to all other human beings.  This can sometimes seem like it is in conflict with what is expected of you at work, as it sometimes seems like you may well have to compromise your boundaries in order to make money.  And that perceived conflict all stems from the Entitled Asshole. 

The Entitled Asshole is manipulative, and uses your primary motivation at work (to make money) to ignore your boundaries, to slowly creep past them, to the point where you are saying and doing things you really REALLY don't want to yet you feel like you have to or you'll lose this customer and his money.  And these days, since money doesn't grow on trees anymore, any amount of money you let get away feels like a stupid waste.  Like, "stupid me, why did I let that guy walk out of here without doing dances?  So what if he was making me really uncomfortable and may have done something way past 'OK', it wouldn't have been forever, AND I would have more money that I have now."  That kind of self talk is EXACTLY what Entitled Asshole wants to inspire.  He gains in manipulative strength by making you second-guess yourself, by making you doubt your own boundaries and willingness to cross them, and thus doubting your own self-worth.  He holds out promise of money (or threat of no money,) then sits back and lets you erode yourself until you come to the point that he wants you at.  And the real shitty bit, ESPECIALLY with long term, regular customers, is that with this kind of Asshole, it's never enough.  Over time, that level of what they want, that bar of your own self-worth, will just be continually lowered and lowered and lowered, until either A) he gets what he ultimately wants (and with Entitled Assholes, that's usually some straight-up, no ambiguity Sex Act) or B) you FINALLY hit your limit and tell him no, probably losing him as a customer (but at that point you don't care because, GOD, what a douche!)

The period of time and level to which standards drop is variable yet correlated.  A customer you've only known for an hour or so may manipulate a $20 dance into $30 for two dances, or an extra $100 bucks to let him get super handsy in the VIP, whereas a customer you've known for years and who has spent lots of money on you in the past may manipulate towards meeting up for lunch or dinner or shopping trips outside the club, with the expectation of having sex.

Another type of Entitled Asshole, or rather subtype, is what I'll call the "Something-For-Nothing Asshole."  This Asshole is not a regular, but rather a party goer, usually for a bachelor or birthday party, a tourist, someone who does not spend time in strip clubs regularly and accordingly is not particularly aware of rules and etiquette, and more importantly of boundaries.  (This stems more from ignorance than creepy maliciousness, generally speaking, but as a sidenote, Normal Guy Assholes who ignore your boundaries are just as bad as any other Entitled Asshole, because they probably have very little regard for women and their boundaries outside The Club.)  The Something-For-Nothing Asshole is the guy who tries to touch your vagina with a dollar when you're on stage, who wants a free lapdance because it's his birthday, or whatever other douchey shit we can all give a million examples of.  This kind, thankfully, is much easier to deal with, especially if you have good bouncers/managers.  Ignore the troll, and they generally go away.

Generally speaking, both the Regular Entitled Asshole and the Something-For-Nothing Asshole can be dealt with in the same manner.  And it's gonna sound simple, and thus impractical, but the solution to dealing with Entitled Assholes is to Proactively Enforce Your Boundaries.  And I don't mean laying out an ultimatum or reading them the Riot Act.  Rather, by your actions and words, from the moment you are out on the floor to the moment you start interacting with the customer, you make it abundantly, explicitly clear that you are here to do a job,  like in any other professional/customer relationship.  For you see, that is exactly what you are at The Club to do, your job.  

The professional dancer is there to make money, and most customers know and respect this.  It doesn't stop the professional from chatting with customers, being friendly and flirty, nor does it stop them from genuinely enjoying aspects of work (that they actually enjoy.)  The professional does, however, clearly delineate things as Work and Not-Work.  And when with a customer things start to drift from Work to Not-Work, the professional quickly changes course.  And the customer is usually respectful of that, because he acknowledges that the professional is there to do her job, not to make Real Life friends or find a boyfriend or a One Night Stand.

It may sound like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I'm really trying to leave no vagueness about what a professional dancer is and does, because a lot of Entitled Asshole behavior is predicated on a Lack of Professionalism.  When a dancer acts more like a Chick Who Is Hanging Out (and just so happens to get naked) than a capital D DANCER, customers will treat her like a Chick Who Is Hanging Out and not like a DANCER.  A Professional Dancer Proactively Enforces Her Boundaries by acting like a Professional.  A Chick Who Is Hanging Out does not.

At a bar or nightclub, there is the expectation in the mind of men that there will be some females present who are actually down to go home with a guy, whom they may like to date or just hook up with.  And in the setting of a bar or nightclub, such an expectation of possibly meeting a member of the opposite sex for whom consensual sexual and/or romantic liaisons is totally reasonable and acceptable.  The expectation for same at a Strip Club, however, is not.  So when a customer, Entitled Asshole or not, encounters a dancer who is acting like a Chick Who Is Hanging out, there will be confusion as to whether or not boundaries are being enforced.  A Chick Who Is Hanging Out at a bar/nightclub may actually be looking for a friend/hookup/boyfriend, and so when a Chick Who Is Hanging Out is encountered at The Club, it's not inconceivable that a customer would think they are looking for a friend/hookup/boyfriend.  (And if you ARE working at The Club and looking for one of those things, KNOCK IT OFF!  That shit is unprofessional, and also, EWW, strip club customers are gross.)

When an Entitled Asshole starts to go into his negotiation tactics, he is doing so because he thinks that you are willing to negotiate, that there are no firm boundaries in place, because he isn't thinking of you as a professional who is at their job.  He is exercising his male privilege to get what he wants, and he only needs to find the magic combination of words, body language, innuendo and money to achieve that.  The dancer becomes a puzzle, a game to beat, to solve.  Its the same bullshit that Pickup Artists subscribe to, where women are riddles, not people.  What the Entitled Asshole does not want to negotiate with is the Professional DANCER with a capital D.  The Professional has strict limits on their behavior, their work persona is constructed to allow them to engage and disengage with customers with a minimal amount of effort and unpleasantness, and easily partitions and compartmentalizes Work Stuff and Not-Work Stuff.  In plainer English, the Professional is or is not going to let the customer get what they want, and that determination has been made ahead of time, regardless of what the customer says or does.  The choice is made by the Dancer, not the customer.

Finally, there's nothing you can do to alter your customers.  You cannot change their upbringings, their life experiences, their philosophies or their emotions.  What you CAN control, however, is your response to their behavior towards you.  You can do this constructively by Proactively Enforcing Your Boundaries with them, from the get go, acting like a Professional.  You can do this reactively, disengaging them when your boundaries are crossed, and hoping they will connect Cause and Effect.  Or you can do this passively, by letting the Bouncers/Management/Someone Else step in and stop whatever is happening.  Obviously, being told to STOP is an unpleasant thing, and most customers won't like that very much at all, so being able to avoid that in the first place is a good thing.

So, while we work on a societal level to change the perception of Women's responsibilities and roles, and the expectation that Men should be aggressive in getting what they want while women should be "nice" and accommodating and shouldn't rock the boat, you as a Dancer have to deal with the current state of affairs as they are now.  And if you want to maintain any sense of dignity while still making money, you will need to learn to Proactively Enforce Your Boundaries.  Act like a professional, and you will be a Professional.  And that's what we'll talk about next time.

Why Boyfriends and Baby Daddies aren't allowed in the Club

This is a relatively short post, but it's about a topic that sometimes gets glossed over.  At most clubs, the boyfriend/husband/baby daddy/pimp/ride home is not allowed inside the club, or if they are allowed in, it is usually only at the very tail end of the shift, so that they may inform the staff (bouncer, manager) and/or the dancer that their ride is here, and they usually can't hang around tipping.  They DEFINITELY cannot drink.  Furthermore, if the B/H/BD/P/RH appears to be drunk or high, most clubs have the policy of not letting the dancer ride home with the BHBDPRH.

There are a couple of reasons why this is the case.  First and foremost, guys (and/or girls, not to be biased towards heteros only) are only human, and thus susceptible to jealousy.  Your SigOther sees you hustling on some random guy, doing your, you know, JOB, and gets butthurt.  Now, they may cause a scene right then and there (especially if they have been drinking.)  They may not, delaying drama (and potential fight, or even worse, abuse) until you two are alone.  Either way, that shit is bad for business.

Secondly, even if your BHBDPRH is hella chill, and not going to cause any drama, often times they become a time sink, because hey, why wouldn't you want to hang out with them AND be working at the same time.  Best of both worlds, right?  Well, if they are paying you with money that isn't your own, then sure, why not.  But otherwise, they are eating up time that could be spent more productively hustling customers.  You know, making money.  Because this is, you know, your job.

Third reason is simple, but brutal.  Sometimes your asshole of a BHBDPRH is a scumbag, and gets dances from other dancers.  You may have an open, polygamous, anything-goes relationship, but man oh man does that send some strong signals all the way around, to you, to the other dancers, and to any customers clued in to whats going on.  Signals that you aren't taking the job seriously, and that you're willing to let your real life affect your work.

And I know, this seems like one of those rules that gets bypassed, bent, or outright broken, that the staff have to say to avoid legal liability.  And there is definitely some truth to that.  Another rule along the same line is dancers who are intoxicated cannot drive themselves home.  Another is that dancers cannot leave with a customer.  We all know those two things happen all the damn time.  But usually, there is a rhyme and reason to when the rules are enforced, and when a blind eye is turned... and it's not always because the bouncer got tipped to look the other way.

For example, say the boyfriend/husband/baby daddy/pimp/ride home is a looooong time regular of the club, well before he became the  BHBDPRH.  At that point, he is a known quantity, and will probably not cause any drama.  And because relationships that start at the club tend to have a short shelf life, when the relationship invariably ends, he will still be a regular, most likely.

Other times, the staff simply don't know that a customer is a BHBDPRH until the dancer is getting into his car at the end of a shift.  Or maybe, for whatever reason, they don't care about that dancer in particular.  Maybe they DID get tipped to look the other way.  The point is, it doesn't matter why the rules are or are not enforced, because it's in your best interest to follow this rule.  Hell, it shouldn't even have to be a rule, it should be common sense.  Don't have people from your personal life up in the club, they will waste your time, cause drama, and cost you MONEY.  

Now, I know there are always exceptions.  Keep in mind, this is a general kind of thing.  And I know you may be tempted to say "But Nunya, MY BHBDPRH is DIFFERENT."  And I'm sure you believe he is.  But it really boils down to, if he is or isn't different, why take that chance that having him around will fuck up your money, or even your relationship?  Take my advice, and keep Real Life and Work separate.

Music Choice and Why the DJ has a Job

You ever wonder, on a semi-busy night where hardly anyone is at stage, but the bar is packed, why no one is sitting at stage?  The customers are drinking, they're watching TV, they're even talking to dancers, maybe even buying them drinks.  But they're not at stage, they're not paying real attention.
Are these guys just broke?  Are they cheap assholes trying to get a free show?  I mean, how are you supposed to sell dances if these guys won't even tip you a couple dollars at stage?

Like most things about our industry, there isn't one simple answer.  It may be that the local sports team is having an important game, it may be that rent just hit, it may be any one of the excuses we make for why business is slow.  Those excuses are easy to make because they are external factors, things out of our control.  We can focus on these things and let them bring down the whole night, OR we can brush them off and focus on the factors we do have some control over.

One of the most underrated of these factors is the music.  This seems like a fairly simple thing on it's surface.  Good music equals good dancing equals good money.  There are songs and artists you like to dance to, that are more fun and easy to move to, and that thus make you feel sexier.  There are songs, many many songs, you are indifferent to, that you could take or leave and that you'll dance to, but are otherwise "meh."  And then there are songs that you can't stand, and that you don't think you can dance to AT ALL.
It all seems simple really.  If you could just dance to the music you want, you'd do a lot better, you'd make more money and everyone would be happy.  So why can't the DJ just take the hint and play you good music, and not play you bad music?

And here is where we get into something that will come up a lot in this blog, the difference in perception between dancer and customer.  This is a key, an extremely vital bit of sublte thinking, and I'll explain how.  It's very easy to take our impressions of the world around us, our sensory input, our emotions, our physical sensations, our mood, and project them outward, to assume that what we see and hear and feel is the objective reality outside of Us.  It's tricky and not automatic to think of things from others perspectives, especially when it's simple things like sensory input.  

For example, say you're really quite cold at work.  Not freezing, just too cold, like you want to put a sweatshirt on.  You can't wear a sweatshirt out on the floor, and you don't want to be cold, so you go tell the manager or bouncer or whoever that you're cold, and would they please turn the temperature up?  What tends to happen?  If they're nice, they say they'll look into it.  If they're not, they'll tell you to deal with it.  Now, regardless of whether or not they are nice, chances are they won't go and fuck with the thermostat.  Are they just being mean?  Why wouldn't they go and change to temperature so that you and the other girls are comfortable?

It's because, generally, you and the other girls aren't really wearing much in the way of clothing, whereas most of the customers are.  You're wearing thin flimsy gowns (if that much) while the customers are wearing jeans, t-shirts, dress shirts, sometimes sweatshirts.  Their clothes are thicker, and they won't be taking them off.  Furthermore, males tend to have a higher body temperature in the extremities than females do, so they tend to get warmer.  What's too cold to you is nice and comfortable to the customer.  And don't believe them if they agree with you that it's cold after you complain to them that YOU are cold.  They're just agreeing because you're a pretty half naked lady.

And it's not that there is a right answer or wrong answer to "Is it too cold?"  It is entirely subjective.  YOU can be too cold, but someone else won't be.  And despite indications to the contrary, you are not the ultimate arbiter of reality.  So, when things like this come up, most dancers skip the thinking about the customers and say "I'm cold, so therefore it is too cold in here."  Not for the customer it isn't, and because the customers are the ones buying the supermajority of drinks, and tipping the dancers and getting lapdances, they are the primary concern of the staff when it comes to issues of comfort and preference.  Yes, it's quite true that without the dancers, the show wouldn't go on and no one would get paid, but the exact same is true of the customers, and the customers don't work at the club.

So, back to the music.  You're young, you probably have a modern taste in music, liking whatever sort of good music is out right now, you know the new songs and new artists as soon as they drop, and you know what's good and what's not.  Our customer, however, is more than likely middle aged, grew up in the 60s, 70s or 80s, and is not up to date on what is happening in popular music.  Furthermore, they are too old to like what is popular right now.  And they're not supposed to either.  Pop music is written for 15-year-old girls, the only people who still physically buy music anymore.

So, when you ask the DJ to play the new Rihanna/Lil Wayne/Pitbull/Skrillex song, think about your customers.  The DJ is.  A weak DJ will just play whatever songs the dancers ask him to, because he wants to get a good tip out at the end of the night.  It's the path of least resistance, and in the end the lazy way to do his job.  The DJ has a few responsibilities that, when executed capably, can turn an otherwise average night into a stellar night.  They manage stage rotation, and thus the flow of energy and money in the room.  And more importantly, they directly impact the mood and spending habits of the customers by choice of music and how well the music is delivered through the sound system.  He has to read the crowd, and not only deliver what the crowd WANTS to hear, but what the crowd NEEDS to hear to spend more money, all while juggling the music that the Dancers want to hear, which is usually the exact opposite of what the customers want and need to hear.  Thats a tough gig.

So, when a DJ puts you up on stage, and it's some older, butt-rock type music you don't like, it's not the DJ trying to fuck you over... it's the DJ trying to make you more money by doing his job.  He's not dumb, he knows where his money comes from: you.  The more money you make, the more you'll (hopefully) tip him.  So he has to weigh and balance the music you want to dance to (which is, honestly, probably nothing all that great) with what he thinks will make you the most money (probably something older, whiter, and also not all that great.)  And you know, if it's a young crowd, or a racially diverse or majority minority crowd, of course the DJ will play the more current, hot top 40 pop and rap.

But when we're talking real money, we're talking middle-aged white guys.  They don't want to hear top 40 or rap (especially not rap.)  They put up with it because, hey, hot naked ladies.  But there's a difference in their enthusiasm when a hot dancer is dancing to Big Sean's "ASS ASS ASS" (what she wants) and Def Leppard's "Armageddon It" (what he wants.)  It's not a conscious thing that happens, where they say "Gee, I like this song a lot, I'll tip more and order another round of drinks."  It's an unconscious, slow cumulative affect.  It's the difference between a customer hanging out for 45 minutes and hanging out for 3 hours.  Music is a primal thing, and it affects us physically as well as psychologically.  We want our customers to be comfortable, so that it's easier to get them to give up their money.  And that's what the DJ is doing when he is playing music you think is shitty.  A good DJ will try and play you what you want (or something close to it) while still making sure the customer is enjoying themselves.  So cut him a little slack if that doesn't go exactly how you want it to.  He has your interest at heart, and is looking at things from the customers' perspectives.

And he also knows where the money comes from: you... after the customer gives it to you.

Hustling Part 3 - Understanding basic male psychology - The Override Switch

(previous posts #1 here and #2 here)
The human brain is an amazing machine.  Not only can it process a metric shit-ton of information at any given time, store a million metric shit-tons of information indefinitely, and predict with a fair degree of success what will happen in the future, it can also warp reality entirely.  Or rather, we can make our perception of reality something entirely different, if we want to badly enough.

"What is this asshole babbling about?" you're probably asking.  "Get to the goddamn point, you verbose motherfucker!"

Fair enough.  When a customer is in the club, ready to spend some money to get some personal attention from you, our friendly motivated dancer, he has already on some level engaged the reality warping powers of his own brain.  Or rather, his dick has.

You see, all males, hetero or homo or bi-mo or poly-mo, have a love/hate relationship with their penises.  Oftentimes, what they want and what their penis wants match up.  Those times are the happy, fun, FUCKYEAH party times, where good boning is had and everybody wins. But just as often, their penis wants something that, intellectually, they know they don't want.  If it were simply a case of "Downstairs Head wants to fuck this girl from the bar, Upstairs Head knows she's dating a friend," the Upstairs Head would overrule the Downstairs Head.  And it usually does.  Most guys aren't out and out dickbags who will fuck anything that is present and willing.  In their minds, their conscious, brainy brain rational thinking thoughts, they know what is right and wrong, and generally choose to act accordingly in a right manner.

The problem is, the Downstairs Head has an Override Switch.

This, my dear friends, is THE biggest problem with male misbehavior.  It's why men cheat, and seek out new partners constantly, and why there is any money to be made in the strip club at all.  I'm not saying that men don't want to do those things and that their dick makes them do it.  It's way more complicated than that.  Men, deep down, on a genetic level, want to run around fucking anything not nailed down.  Their intellects, the higher functioning parts of their brain that understand things like culture, morals, cause & effect, act as a restraining force on their pure animalistic urges, and general keep them in check.  This isn't unique to sex drive either, as most people don't pig out on fatty salty sugary foods all day every day.  Same thing with fucking.  In both cases, we know it's not good for us in multiple ways, physically, emotionally, financially.  Furthermore, we don't always have access to either fucking or fatty fatty fat foods, so it's that much easier to resist.

And here is where the Override Switch comes in.  When the dick senses that it is in a situation with a particularly good chance of fucking something, it starts to fuck with the underlying reality the brain is operating on, like switching the TV from Cable mode to DVD mode.  The brain will still try and change channels, but all it's getting is Chapters and Extras.  The dick is changing reality such that not only is fucking this particular something it has a chance to not a bad idea, but that such a chance to fuck something may NEVER COME ALONG AGAIN, oh god, it's NOW or NEVER, holy shit, FUCK THAT THING!  And here's the worst part.  The higher functioning part of the brain is still working like normal.  It still knows that it's a terrible idea, that there will be other things to fuck, and that this particular thing to fuck may even be there later.  It knows when it's a Bad thing to do, a Morally Bad thing.  But the dick has fucked up the whole program.  It has overridden the higher functioning brain, and handed the controls over to the the simple lizard brain, the Id, fight or flight, simple animal part of the brain.  And the Id, it doesn't know that the dick has warped reality in favor of fucking.  It's like taking a small child into an underground parking garage, turning out the lights, then yelling "OH GOD, WEREWOLVES!  Run, Jimmy!  Run for your LIFE!"  Little Jimmy doesn't know werewolves don't exist.

That's what the dick does when it hits the Override Switch.  It's quite similar to when, pre-girly time, (that is to say, pre Shark Week,) when you see that giant blackberry scone at Starbucks, and you know, you KNOW, "Fuck, I can't have that, it's like 1100 calories, mostly butter fat, if I eat that, I'm fucked for the rest of the day."  But your womb is all "OMG SCONE MUST HAVE PUT IT IN THE TUMMY NOW!!!"  And what usually happens?  Yeah, you're wiping scone crumbs off your shirt as you get out of the car.

And here's the deal.  Both of those Override Switches serve a valid, necessary biological evolutionary purpose.  For women of childbearing age, if they were about to ovulate, and possibly begin to carry a child, any and all calories were good.  Our hunter-gatherer forebears weren't exactly rolling in an excess of food, and every calorie mattered.  So, any way to nudge our behavior into consuming more calories to support a possible fetus was to be encouraged.  This is why our taste buds developed to like sweet, savory, and salty foods, as those foods in nature were generally the most calorie dense, and also the rarest.  If you had fruit, you ate it, period, because who knew what you'd have to eat tomorrow.

Same thing with the dick.  A man didn't know if a sabre toothed armadillo or a dire-badger was going to make lunch out of him tomorrow, so he had to take any chance to impregnate a female he was given, to ensure his genetic legacy lived on even if he was turned into wolf-chow.  
Now, that primitive survival drive is still present, but the world we inhabit is not the same.  We now have a reasonable expectation of acquiring food tomorrow, so we don't need to cram as many calories in as we can right the fuck now.  Similarly, since no large predatory animals are likely to kill us, we have the reasonable expectation that we will have the opportunity to mate in the future, and so do not have to engage in reproduction with just any old partner as soon as they are available.  But our dicks and wombs don't know that.  They still think we're in caveman times.  And when they can, they drag our asses back, whether we want to go or not.

And so, dear reader, you should have guessed (like 5 paragraphs ago) where I'm going with this.  When a customer is engaged with you, our lovely, entrancing, sexy, persuasive dancer, his intellect is telling him "Dude, you're not getting it in.  She's only acting this way because of your money.  You are not going to fuck this girl, and if you give her your money, all that is going to happen is a case of blue balls and regret tomorrow when you look at your bank statement."  But the dick is saying "FUCK YEAH, this chick wants it!  Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"  Override switch engaged, money doled out, blue balls and regret delivered.

And THAT is the whole point.  He's already in the club, he wants to have his Override Switch engaged, and now here you are.  In some ways, the Switch is already on.  He's at the club in the first place.  His brain already knows that the club is a bad idea, that he's going to waste money, and potentially do something he'll regret later.  But Mr. Dick has convinced him that it's not a bad idea, and here's where it gets really tricky.  Here's where a man's character comes into play the most, in any situation involving the Override Switch;

He has a choice to fight the Switch, or to accept it.  And really, when reality has gone all topsy turvy on you, when every fibre of your being, every nerve in your body is telling you something is right, and only your intellect is saying no, that is some deep, heavy, intense conflict.  It takes a strong motherfucker to use his intellect to overrule every other part of his mind and body and turn away.  It is sooooo much easier to give in.  Most of you wants to, so it can't be THAT bad, right?

We can convince ourselves of anything, especially when it makes it easier to do the things we want to.  So, most men don't fight the Override Switch, not for long.  Most even help push it all the way on.

And you, dear dancer, can make sure he pushes it without a moment's hesitation.  You become the ready excuse, the easy out, the primary reason his good sense got shoved into the backseat and his dick took the wheel.  It's so much easier after the fact to say "Wow, that dancer really worked me over, goddamn, she is good." than to say "I acted in a way where my dick, not my brain, was in control."  And thus, it's way easier for them to justify to themselves why they come back to see you the next time.  You're just too pretty, too sexy, they can't resist.  They've given up control, given up choice, and thus given up responsibility.  Intellectually they know what's really going on, but they've made their actions more palatable to themselves by going along with it, rather than being conflicted about their own desires and actions.

So, the work is mostly done by the time he is in the club.  By approaching him in an open manner, reading his cues, and providing some genuine seeming companionship, you are non-verbally communicating that you are there to help him push the Override Switch to the full "on" position, for which he will be grateful, and will thus reward with fat stacks.

Thus concludes the introduction to Basic Male Psychology.  But, rest assured, this is merely the tip of the iceberg.  More than any other factor, more than wardrobe, makeup, dancing skill, anything, understanding how a customer thinks, and more importantly WHY he thinks how he thinks, is key to making a lot of money, predictable money, with minimal effort (and minimal blowjobs in the champagne room.)  As such, expect more posts on the topic, getting more or less specific on a given topic.

Hustling Part 2 - Understanding basic male psychology - Decision Making

So in the last post, we talked about the underlying motivation for our customers to come into the club.  All that's good for is getting their foot in the door.  What happens once they're inside is a whole other can of worms.

Understanding the background for what brings a man to a strip club is important, vital even, to properly manipulating him into giving you all his money, then repeatedly returning to do so again over a decent period of time... which is our goal.  Right?  You want long term regulars who predictably spend lots of money on a semi-regular basis, so that the uncertainty of how much money you make is lessened if not outright eliminated... right?

So, we know what, in a broad sense, has gotten him in the club.  But, that knowledge alone is only of so much value, in the same way that knowing the reason a person goes to a restaurant is because they are hungry.  Ostensibly, a person walking into a McDonalds and a person walking into a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse are both fulfilling the same need, namely, they are hungry.  But, there are a myriad of reasons why the McDonalds-goer is choosing McDonalds and not Ruth's Chris, and vice versa.  The McD person may not be able to afford fancier (or they might, and are just cheap/frugal.)  They could eat healthy most of the time, but count McD as their "cheat meal."  The Ruth's Chris person could afford to eat there (or they could be overspending and living beyond their means.)  They could have a refined sense of taste for good food and drink, or they could be super bourgois and simply be eating there because it's fancy.  Maybe they fucking love steak.

I live in Portland Oregon, home of 60-something strip clubs.  Here, there are literally 5 different choices for any one type of strip club you can think of.  So that right there is a literal example of the metaphor used above.  Furthermore, at any club, there are 5 to 25 girls working, depending on the club, so you have menu diversity further muddling up the decision making process.

I KNOW this is one of the most frustrating aspects of dancing, the seemingly random process by which the customers tip and get dances from some girls, while entirely ignoring others.  A common explanation is preference in A) body type, B) hair color, C) skin color, etc.  Another is the assumption that the girl(s) getting the dances are dirty, possibly hookers.  Sometimes girls will even turn that negative attitude back on themselves, saying "I look fat tonight" or "My hair is FUCKED, ugh!", or just the lazy, self-defeatist "I'm just not going to make money tonight."

And sure, sometimes those explanations are the actual case.  BUT, more often than not, they are a mere contributing factor, a side influence, NOT the actual main reason.  When our customer is in the club, talking to girls, getting dances, he's not merely taking the first thing offered, he is going through a process of recognition, analysis, and engagement, all oriented towards the fulfillment of what he's there for.  He talks to a girl, subconsciously observes and analyzes her, and then compares what he thinks she will give him to what he wants.  If what the customer wants is just a quick handy in the back, he could talk to the prettiest, best dressed, classiest, most amazing dancer in the club, and reject her in favor of the girl who seems the sluttiest.  Similarly, a customer who wants an almost real relationship with a dancer, one that is basically a girlfriend without all the messy parts of a girlfriend relationship, can be propositioned by every whore in the building, and be turned off by every one of them, until someone with some class and wit talks to him.

So, the real trick is trying to figure out what kind of girl, what kind of experience, what level of interaction the customer wants.  And this isn't the kind of thing that you can just ask either, or judge solely on appearance, nor on how they tip at the stage.  There are, however, other signifiers you can use to analyze them, and thus tailor your sales pitch accordingly.

For example, a complete unwillingness to spend any money is indicative of a man who has a mysogynistic view of women, who thinks the women should be glad to be around him, and should furthermore be gratifying him free of charge.  These time vampires are worthless, and even if you do manage to get a lapdance or two out of them, it usually takes an hour or so of chit-chatting before they finally give in.  They're not frugal, they are wastes of time.  If they're not willing to buy you more than one drink, and not willing to get a dance within 15 minutes of talking to you, but still want you to hang out with them, they're not negotiating, they are just trying to get something for nothing.  They are not game, and are not our real target.  A real customer, of the type you're after, will totally understand why you're at work (money) and if he's not particularly into you, will make it known, and not take it personally when you leave to pursue other customers.

On the other end of the spectrum, the guy who flashes his fat wad of $20s, talks about getting VIPS or bottles of champagne, brags about how successful he is, how many fancy vacations he takes, etc, is also a waste of time, generally speaking, and for much the same reason as the Scrooge McDuck described above.  He too wants something for nothing, but instead of using withholding money to get what he wants, he uses the promise of lots of money.  Neither one delivers, usually, and here's why:  they haven't fully committed themselves to how the club works, that all interactions between customer and dancer are based on monetary exchange.  This is usually because they have an attitude of superiority, and unrealistic worldview and appreciation for their place in it.  To put it another way, if these guys were as awesome as they think they are, they should have no reason to be in the club at all, they'd be out at fancy nightclubs fucking supermodels.  But they're not.  Because they are sad, delusional fucks who haven't picked up the hint that they fail at life.

A willingness to spend money, whether $80 or $2000 as it depends on their particular finances, shows an acceptance of the core transaction of the club, the balance of power and purpose behind it's existence, and thus your role as a dancer.  They understand, in some way  or another, that you don't get something for nothing.  

Some men, if particularly sucessful at their business endeavors, will attempt to bargain and negotiate with you, but in general are still willing to risk their money in the hope of getting what they want.  And in that process, by listening more than speaking, you can tell what the customer is wanting from a dancer. 

If he's talking a lot, he wants a good listener, who asks questions at the appropriate moments, but generally lets him talk.  

If he is asking questions, he wants you to be some fantasy girl, and is hoping you will give the answers that will confirm that you are, in fact, said fantasy girl.  

If he's generally quiet, but not disengaged, he is most likely looking for simple companionship, and thus not terribly interested in conversation at all, but just your proximity and your prescence, and I mean your "prescence" as in you being there, really there, in that moment, not just sitting there thinking about other things.  

If the customer is drinking pretty heavily, he's probably psyching himself up to do whatever it is he wants, but is still (sub)consciously guilty about, such as "cheating" on his wife/significant other.  This guy needs the permission to go ahead and enjoy himself, a judgement free environment where his needs aren't bad.  He needs to give himself permission, and the alcohol usually does just that.

And on and on.  I shouldn't have to list out every type of customer there is, because it all boils down to pretty simple and easily identifiable patterns.  As a female in our western society, sizing up men and their motivations should be fairly effortless at this point in your life.  The thing that trips up most dancers is their own preconceptions and biases.  You assume something about a customer before talking to him, good or bad or indifferent, and it colors your entire interaction, possibly making you miss an opportunity to make money.  The trick is to keep an open mind, EVERY time, and listen to your subconscious.  You can identify these guys almost immediately, you just have to get your own brain out of the way.  Keep an open mind and approach every customer as if he's the first one you've talked to all night.  Keep that up, and you will locate the customers who are into what you're offering, who you can tailor your sales pitch, your stage persona, towards what they prefer.

So, we've gotten our customer in the door, and now we've gotten him talking to you and interested in what you're putting down, because we understand why he's there, and we can make educated guesses as to what kind of girl he wants and what he's looking to do at the club.  Now, the real work starts.  We've just been setting the stage, getting the background and props and lighting just right.  Now, it's time for you, the actor, to take the stage and bring the house down.

How do you do that?  By engaging the Override Switch.

(Continued next post)

Hustling Part 1 - Understanding basic male psychology - Getting to the Club

For the average lay person, in regards to interpersonal communications, psychological differences between the genders matter only slightly more than the day of the week, that is to say, hardly at all.  Individual differences in background, education, geographic history, race, and personal experience are all more/just as important for day to day understanding and interaction with other people than understanding the difference in gender.  Furthermore, in regards to gender, painting in broad strokes becomes damn near meaningless, as slightly less than half the people on the planet are male.

Instead, I will be narrowing the scope of discussion to "men who patronize strip clubs."  And in regards to Hustling, I will narrow that even more, down to "Post-adolescent men of middle-to-upper incomes who patronize strip clubs."  Sure, young guys with little-to-no money have their place in the club, but as they don't have money, hustling them is pointless and non-rewarding, monetarily speaking.  We're after the  Big Cheese, not the Small Fry.

Now, to understand how our roughly middle aged mildly to extremely prosperous customer thinks and reacts while in the club, we need to understand the background that forms his psychological, emotional, and physical responses.  He is the way he is for a reason... or rather, a whole slew of reasons.  These reasons give us a better understanding of why he is in the club in the first place, why he acts (and doesn't act) certain ways in the club, what prompts him to spend money, what prompts him to spend too much money, and what gets him to come back.  
On the flip side, proper understanding will also give insight on what will scare him  off, will make him get cheap, and worst of all, what will make him think he's in charge (he's obviously not.)

So, first off: our customer is probably married.  Or was.  Marriage has been (and probably is) a HUGE part of this guy's life.  His relationship with his (ex)wife, and all it's attendant emotions, the physical time he has to put into it, the mental time, is informing his actions when he is in the club.  Chances are good he's there precisely BECAUSE of this relationship.  Imagine a stuffy, non-communicative, sexually dead, cold-war of a marriage.  Now picture our customer in it.  
That's not to say the objective reality of his marriage is such a travesty as all that, but if that is the way it is in his mind, it's as good as real to us.  It's his perceptions, his feelings of being in a somehow non-fulfilling relationship (or the smouldering wreckage thereof) that have led him to our club, to seek solace or escape in the arms and bosoms of the young sexy ladies inside.  Rightly or wrongly, he is at the club, hanging out with strippers because strippers are not his (ex)wife, and the club is not home.  They are (to his perception) the exact opposite.

Now, if our guy isn't married (or hasn't been in a looooong time), the chances of him being a creepy weirdo increase exponentially.  THIS guy has had a shitty time with relationships (mainly due to lack of them in the first place.)  You know the guy... Ugly, out of shape, dresses kinda weird, and old enough that no lady is going to marry him unless he is absolutely loaded.  He's probably really intelligent, but socially retarded.  He might even have some seemingly off-putting kinks (of the "beat-me-up" or "wear this collar" variety usually, but sometimes as simple as chewing on napkins while getting dances.)
This guy too is at the club because the club is not home, and the dancers are not the crushing loneliness he feels at home.  He's a weirdo, and normal society either ignores, or actively shuns him.  Normal women tend to do the same.

Either way, the club is a refuge, free from pressures and expectations and guilt and all those other attachments that our customer has to deal with at home/the real world.  But, it doesn't end there.  For, if that were the sum of why our customers come to the club, why not a sports bar, or a dive bar, or a book club, or a gym, or a kickball league, or any other social outlet?

"Duh," you're saying.  "They're there for US!"

No shit.

So, the second thing: There is a need going unfulfilled. 
Don't jump to conclusions and assume that need is sexual stimulation/release.  
It COULD very well be that and only that.  And when that is not the unfulfilled need, it most likely won't be an unwelcome side-bonus.  However, thinking in a strictly physical, sexual manner is sure to lead to a limited, and possibly faulty, understanding of the Why of our customer.  It's entirely possible our customer has heard of this thing called "masturbation" and can handle his physical needs himself.  Or, maybe due to some deeply buried catholic guilt, instead entrusts his physical needs to a dedicated practitioner of the sexual arts, commonly referred to as a "prostitute."  And, assuming you yourself are not prostitutes (I'm not passing judgement if you are), their hand or a whore will invariably produce an actual sexual release instead of just a pair of blue balls.

It's not like their options are limited.  The question to ask is, what about the club, what about you, is there to offer, to have and be fulfilled by that masturbating and prostitution cannot provide?  The answer is your company.  And I don't just mean spending physical time with them, sitting at their table, nodding idly at their chit chat, laughing at their shitty jokes and wondering "when is this fucker going to buy some dances."  That is not company.  Company is actual conversation, it's closeness that is more than physical proximity.  It's a word that most people don't immediately associate with strip clubs: Intimacy.

People are quick to write off the kind of relationship that develops between a dancer and a regular customer of hers as "not real."  But when you break it down, that's real time being spent in real closeness with real words and real physical and mental and emotional interactions.  Does the fact that these interactions are facilitated by money mean they don't actually happen?  We can say we have a good relationship with our hair stylist, or our doctor, or our landlord... but aren't those relationships also predicated by exchange of money?  Are they any less real?
So, regardless of the initial reason for the relationship, it exists, and is real.  And that intimacy, more than physical/sexual actions, is what keep a customer coming back.  There is a lack, perceived by the customer, in their life of the kind of intimacy that you, as a dancer, can provide.  An intimacy that is not present currently in their lives (at least, in their own minds.)

Again, I'm not saying that in REAL LIFE these guys are in shitty, crumbling marriages, or that they wives/girlfriends are terrible cold-hearted bitches, or that the creepy guys are really just misunderstood and no one has given them a real chance.  In REAL LIFE, these guys are assholes and creepers who, if not getting what they feel they want/need, probably don't deserve to get it.  BUT, BUT, BUT... it's not cold, hard reality that gives you money, it's the customer, and his possibly (probably) unfounded feelings of detachment, of loneliness and isolation.

What this amounts to is an ocean of reasons to carry our customer onto his chosen path, of spending time (and copious amounts of money) in the club.  And to be completely honest, the business couldn't exist without our customers engaging in this self-convincing behavior.  All the feelings I've written about above serve as a kind of self-justification for the customer, a kind of "permission slip" to allow them to act the way they do in the club and with you.  "It's ok," they tell themselves, "I'm not reeeeallly doing anything wrong.  It's not like Sheila back at home pays any attention to me anyway..."

So, we've got our customer, expressing some need, some (real or imaginary) unfulfilled urge, and the justifications for doing so.  This has gotten him into the door.  Hooray! Mission Accomplished...? Think that's it?  Not even close.

(Continued next post)