Enforcing Your Boundaries

Last post I talked about how our socially constructed scripts for the expression of male entitlement to female attention works to throw you off your game, to the advantage of our Asshole customers.  The solution, I posited, was to set the ground rules for the customer/dancer interaction from the get go, establishing and enforcing your Boundaries by acting as a Professional.  Easy to say, I know, but how to do it in practice?

Right off the bat, I want to spell something out.  Even though you are a dancer, and you take your clothes off for money for Creepy Assholes, you are still a Human Being.  No one, ever, ever, EVER has the right to make you feel Not Safe.  So, even though there is an inherent risk of a customer doing something Bad, you never have to feel like you have to put up with it.  And, despite the fact that this is your job, you ALWAYS have the right to say "No."  No customer, for any amount of money, has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or worthless or unsafe.  Period.  

So, lets start off by defining what your boundaries are.  Let's spell out, explicitly, what your comfort zone is, and where the line is drawn.  Then, we will come up with responses for when the line is crossed, and strategies for reestablishing control.  The lines we need to draw, the defining line between Acceptable and Not Acceptable, apply across the board when dealing with customers.  So, we're not just talking "what level of touching is appropriate?" or "how much money would it take for me to do _____?", but also "how much information about my Real Life do I give out?"  

So, make a quick list of ways that customers can interact with you that make you feel creeped out or otherwise Not OK.  Chances are good there are lots of ways customers cross your lines, so lets use handsiness as an example, from which we can expand.  So, lets say for this example, you are "OK" with customers touching legs, arms, sides, and maybe butt during a lapdance, boobs and crotch completely off limits.  Saying it that way is fairly clear and easy to understand, but it could still use some strengthening.  For example, we have our Lapdance Standards For Touching stated, but what about Non-Lapdance Standards For Touching?  When you're sitting with them at a table or the bar, or when you're on stage and they are sitting at the rack?  If hugs or handholding is OK, how much and how hard?  It's helpful to have clear lines drawn across the board, so for this example lets say that outside of a lapdance, boobs, butt, and crotch are absolutely off-limits, and that all other contact needs to be gentle and not forceful.  Add to that our Lapdance Standards For Touching, and now we're looking at a comprehensive set of Standards For Touching.  Your particular standards can and will vary, and will change over time and in specific circumstances.  However, it's still important to define for yourself, clearly and ahead of time, what is and is not Acceptable, so that you can proactively enforce them and guide your interactions with customers.

Some dancers are completely and utterly unaware that there is a separation between their Dancer Life and their Real Life, and act accordingly, so that customers know their Real Name, their primary phone number (instead of the cheap pre-paid every dancer should have,) the names of their kids, where they live, and many other details customers simply Should Not Know.  Some dancers let customers pay extra (hopefully a lot extra) to do things against club rules, often against the law.  Some dancers let customers say creepy or threatening or insulting or degrading things to them and tolerate it out of fear of the customer not spending money on them.  And here's the thing:  I'm not saying any of that is 100% wrong to do.  Your personal standards, your customers, your club and your situation will vary, and so too does the determination on where to draw the line, where to establish your Boundaries.  Because they are not My Boundaries.  They are Your Boundaries.

Take some time over the next few nights you work, examine your interactions with customers, then clearly state to yourself your limits, your Boundaries.  Remember, these can and will change over time, so don't feel pressured to do this all at once or to make it PERMANENT AND UNCHANGING.  Build slowly, refining and redefining what you are comfortable with being and doing and having others be and do to you.  

Now that we have a rough idea of what our Boundaries are, and with the knowledge that they can and will change, lets come up with some ways to let our customers know that Your Boundaries exist, and that they should respect them.  Here are some quick pointers to get the ball rolling.

First of all, and this may seem trivial, but first of all, don't make your first stop the bar when you hit the floor.  What I'm not saying is "Don't drink when you get to work."  You probably shouldn't have a drink first thing, but I'm not going to judge, especially when that first drink really does help take the edge off and get you in Dancer Mode more quickly. What I am saying  is "When you are finally dressed and ready, and are stepping onto the floor for the first time, don't head straight to the bar."  The idea being that if a customer, especially a Regular, notices that the first thing you do is get some alcohol, it sets the tone for the night, for the customers and for you.  It marks you out as one of two things: A) as a Chick Who Is Hanging Out, or B) a dancer who hates herself and has to self-medicate, and thus probably has low self-worth.  I'm not saying that this is the actual case, merely what the customers perceive.  So, instead, after you've checked in with the DJ or manager or whoever to let them know you're ready to go on rotation, go say hi to the bartender, then say hi to the bouncers, then hi to the door girl, stopping along the way to say hi to any regulars you know or big parties not at the stage.  Make a full circuit of the club.  Then go back to the dressing room.  Adjust makeup and hair.  THEN, go back out to the floor and get a drink at the bar, assuming a customer doesn't want you to sit with them already.  And if you've made the circuit once already, hopefully someone you said hi to will have already wanted you sitting with them, so you may not even have to go to the bar at all in order to get your first drink.  Doing all this makes it seem like the first thing you're doing at WORK is greeting your COWORKERS, and then greeting your CUSTOMERS.  You're not some hot chick there to get wasted and party, you're a Dancer there to work.

Secondly, no phones on the floor.  Same general reason as above, it makes you look unprofessional.

Thirdly, pay attention to how you sit when with customers.  Sit like a lady, not like a whore.  Face them directly, with your whole body, knees included.  This creates some distance while also showing, with body language, that they are the focus of your interest.  Furthermore, it allows you to better control physical contact.  If you are sitting side by side, all up close, the customer can hug and squeeze and rub with minimal effort, and they often do.  And that's hard to squirm out of.  Instead, if you sit facing them, they have to reach out, and invade your personal space, instead of easily already being within it.  If they DO reach across to violate your space, and you do not like it, it's easy to redirect a hand to your knee, to your other hand, or failing all that, getting up.  

Lastly, if a customer starts to do something you are uncomfortable with, the ultimate Enforcement technique is to disengage.  You don't have to necessarily be rude or make a loud commotion, but a simple "Sorry sweetie, but I'm here to work.  You're gonna have to pay to get that familiar with me."  Be polite, but be firm.  If their response is anything other than an apology, take it as a warning that they will not be respecting anything else you say or do.    At times, the creepy Asshole Customer is, in many ways, like a small child.  They see something they want, they reach out and grab it.  The only way they'll learn is to flat out refuse them.  Then warn the other girls at the club.  Hell, tell the bouncer or manager.  Eventually, the Asshole will either shape up, or he'll leave.  

Adopt the mindset that you, the Dancer, are in control of what happens at the Club, not the customer.  You aren't at the Club to fulfill the customers wants and desires, you're there to get his money.  The customer does not dictate what you are or are not willing to do.  You've done that ahead of time, and it was never up for negotiation.